she says it's too hard. she just didn't wanna spoil that somewhat semi-perfect afternoon they had together. she changed when she was with the other persons. and she didn't want to ruin that standard of normalcy she had with her.

she remembered being needy. so ever needy.

"don't leave me!" she said. "don't go!"

i helplessly watched. she was not like that. never. she doesn't remember being so needy. ever. so why now? show her weakness to someone less worthy? why? why does the world play tricks on her? why?

never again; she swore. never again will she beg. never again so needy. she was the strong one. she had to remember that. she IS the strong one. she HAD to be strong. she just had to be.

it hangs in the balance. one small mistake could just tip it over.

-

well, had fun today. i guess. if you count being sweaty and sticky. eww.

i really need to start studying. but well, it's all just words ain't it? if there's no action, what good would it be? it's worth nothing.

i need help. today was crazy. real crazy. unexplainability. enigma. i really couldn't think properly. it's like i was not even myself. but, i saw myself. like i was above, looking at me. madness and all. yet, i couldn't stop it. i think i can sense that i'm going to crash and burn real soon. i can sense it.

i play with words in my head. i love words. they're beautiful, glorious. something so simple can be made into something so wonderfully complex. it's like liquid flowing. even tho i'm not really thinking of it, it just flows. i can sense them staring at me wierdly, while i escape into my world. even with their loud chatter, hiding the fears, their scars, their weaknesses, i still manage to escape, their nonsensical jargon and them trying to compete for attention. i gave up long ago. i decided to sink into the background. i rather be that.

anyways, speaking of nonsensical. think of benjamin. gosh. how was he fighting that losing battle. he made absolutely no sense at all. really. think before you speak. the stupidness unsaid.

wileen went absolutely bonkers today. thinking about it still makes me laugh. the desperateness of it all. then when i think about me now. i think how stupid i was too. how crazy. with the ruler and all. i don't know what got into me today. forgive me.

late today. first time in weeks. my fault for missing the bus. my fault for forgetting about the physics test today, which i'm like so totally going to like fail; well, i guess, if i need someone to blame, there's always me.

wileen, wileen, good luck with that problem of yours. haha. i will remember today. the crappyness of it all. after recess, trying to sneak back into class after that long toilet break, only to find that the classes were still lined up in the quad. i remember the crawling, the rolling, the rough hugs, that almost flattened my nose; thankyouverymuch. i remember that stupid song, i remember the infections, i remember that sour sweetness, i remember being down, i remember being hyper, i will remember it all. it was fun while it lasted. i wish it would be all like that.

what else is there to write for today?

well, somethings should just be kept till later.

manda.